As you look at the photos your focus, at least initially, is naturally on the two of you—after all, it was your Special Day! But as you broaden you view you also notice that standing between the two of you in virtually every photo is another person—the individual you chose to officiate your ceremony.
For some couples the “choice” of who performs this important role is not a “choice” at all … by default it is their pastor, priest, rabbi, imam, or other official affiliated with their religion. But for many contemporary couples—those who are not affiliated with a religious order or simply don’t want a “religious wedding”—the officiant is a person they have hand-picked for the job. The criteria will differ, but seldom is “cost” the determining factor—after all, Uncle Bob, the retired Baptist preacher, will probably officiate your ceremony free of charge … as long as you don’t try to tell him what to say and not to say! After all, Uncle Bob is a former evangelical preacher and “saving souls” is what he is programmed to do … and he would not want to miss an opportunity to “witness” to a captive audience.
Okay, perhaps that’s a bit of an overstatement about Uncle
Bob, he may be a perfectly nice guy, but you get my drift. You choose an
officiant because that individual is the right person for the job. In fact, if you were to ask me who provides
the most important supporting role in a wedding ceremony, I would say “the
officiant.” Granted, I may be biased
because I am one, but please hear me out.
As a minimum, a wedding requires the participation of three
individuals—the bride, the groom, and the officiant. But that alone doesn't make the case for why
the choice of an officiant is critical.
After all, couples who choose the elopement route are often less concerned
about who ties the knot than getting it done and done fast—they simply want
someone to “make it legal.” While there
are valid reasons for wanting (or needing) to elope, most would agree that the
courthouse is not a conducive setting for a romantic, heart-warming wedding.
So, if the conditions of “romantic” and “heartwarming” are
added to the mix we are talking about a totally different kind of wedding, and
consequently, a totally different set of criteria for choosing an
officiant. Why so? For the simple reason that the officiant is
the literal “voice” of your ceremony. As
a result, he or she plays a key role in setting the tone for your entire
ceremony. Furthermore, this individual
should be more than a narrator who simply reads your vows. She or he should exude an aura, a presence, a
charisma that personifies the expression of love and joy you want your ceremony
to be remembered for—the warm-tummy feeling you wish to stay with you (and
everyone who shares this special day with you) long after the ceremony is
over. And I remind you again, this
individual will be “front and center” in almost every photo that is taken
during your ceremony.
But as important as they are, “romantic” and “heartwarming”
are only two of a number of other criteria you will likely want and need to
consider. For instance, you will
probably want to seek out and find an officiant who is sensitive to your
personal beliefs and values—one who will not use the occasion (intentionally
or not) as a forum for lecturing, or worse, as an opportunity to “sermonize” to
a captive audience, a la Uncle Bob. The
latter is a fear that couples often express when they meet with us early on,
sometimes citing with horror an instance they are aware of where this very
thing occurred.
While there is no guarantee that the officiant won’t “go off
script” and interject unwanted remarks during the ceremony—though I’m not
suggesting you want an automaton either—there are some precautions you can take
during the vetting process that may lessen the likelihood of this
happening. If, for instance, you and
your partner do not consider yourselves to be “religious,” then you might want
to steer clear of an officiant who identifies himself or herself by a religious
title, such as “Reverend” or “Father.” Or,
if the two of you consider yourselves to be “religious” but do not share a
common religious heritage, be aware that some religious orders take a dim view
of interfaith marriages, and as a result their clerics may impose “rules and
conditions” that may cut against the grain of one or both of you. The officiant’s website may also have
language that reveals a lot about his or her personal philosophy in areas that
matter to you. For instance, in our case
we describe our officiating services as appealing to couples who might describe
themselves as “spiritual, but not necessarily religious.” This is a brief characterization that makes a
statement about us, but it also hits a nerve with many contemporary
couples. Consequently, couples who want
a traditional “church wedding” are not likely to seek out our services—and we
are okay with that. After all, no
officiant should set herself or himself up to be all things to all people. 
